Well like almost every project I ever start.... haha. I've been remiss, though I suppose only unto myself. The main reason? My bundle of joy. Joyous as she is (and she is an extremely happy baby), keeping her as such is a full time job, on top of my full time employment at a major US theater. And though I'm not alone in caring for her, I am technically a single parent.
I do not like that term: single parent. It feels wrong to and on me, like most labels do. It implies too many societal negatives and inequities. "Single" parents are heroes and villains. They are always struggling to pull it all together, meanwhile lacking in some basic moral fiber, preventing them from producing thriving children unaided. We look at children of single parents and say "Wow! Look what they achieved, even though they didn't have a strong family base." Or we say "Look at how amazing that mother/father is! You'd never know they are single. I wonder why they haven't found someone yet." We can't decide if they are extraordinary resourceful or negligent people (Though, the choices made by there children do seem to paint that picture, but that's another subject, on which I'll be doing 18+ years research and get back to ya.) Whatever the case, there always seems to be something lacking, some void. Primarily an "other", the corresponding piece to the puzzle, the partner or coparent that is obviously present. And while I know, from experience on several levels, that this is all stereotypical subconscious prejudice, it bugs me. I object to the idea that my daughter will grow up with no strong male influence or support in her life. That is already just not true. She has many people, men and women, who love and adore her. We are blessed that at her birth we were given surrogate grandparents who see her almost every day. My daughter will have two sets of grandparents, just like most other kids, and she will never know the difference. Will I explain it to her if she asks?? Of course. But that won't change the amount of love that gets poured on her daily. And maybe it will help her appreciate that love even more. Further, there is nothing "single" about my life. There's really very little "me" left in it. Everything is funneled toward providing for the munchkin, which seems pretty "attached" to me. In many ways it's very similar to a committed romantic relationship. I can't just go and do whatever I want, I have to consider how it's going to affect her. People will say stuff to me like "She won't understand" or "How would she even know?", but that's not the point. EVERYTHING I do affects her. Even that stuff that she'll never know about, good or bad. Everything has consequences, implications, repercussions, benefits. Therefore, in order to do the best by her, I have to do the best by me too.
I prefer "solo" parent. Just like I'd rather have a "companion" or "partner" than a "boyfriend" semantically, "solo" feels like it better describes my situation than "single". Or mayhap "unattached" or "unaffiliated" (haha). Do I have a coparent/partner/husband/boyfriend/baby-daddy? Not at the moment. But neither do I feel available in the way I did when I was a single non-parent, and that is part of what "single" implies to me. As if I am looking for my other to go from single to double. Well, I'm not looking, thanks. I've got everything covered just fine, and I don't "need" someone to jump in to the rescue. Not that I will turn down a opportunity with the right person, but he has to be damn near perfect from the get go, cause mama's tired and ain't got time for that!! True, it would make MY life easier in some ways, but it really wouldn't have an affect on my baby girl being taken care of. And I have her taken care of. Minute by minute, penny by penny. I'm ready for whatever comes up. We take every step together. I'm planning her future while I'm organizing her present. Do I get overwhelmed? Sure, but every parent does. That isn't different just because I'm the only one who picks her up out of her crib every morning.
This is all feeling incoherent, since this is such a rough and guarded subject for me, but only because I feel like we go about it all wrong in the public discourse. I'm a solo parent by choice. I wanted a child, I had a child. I've had nothing but love and support, and so has my lovely baby. I wish I could do away with all labels, because really I'm just a parent. Like every other parent. And someday, I may be a double, or really a triple, because Little Miss is my semipermanent plus one. In the performing arts world, being a soloist make you the cream of the crop, so that's what I must strive for.
No comments:
Post a Comment