At least now I have a shoulder to cry on... literally

There are many things I love about my darling partner, but one of the biggest is his ability to reality check me gently yet forcefully.

I had a bad day today. Yet another Tupperware party got canceled. This means that EVERY. SINGLE. PARTY. I have independently scheduled has been canceled, postponed, or turned into a book party. All of them. My prospective host said that she would offer the info at her girl's night on Friday, but did not extend an invitation to me. I will see her tomorrow and ask about it, but I also do not want to intrude or turn her already planned night into my shtick. I would love to make the Oreo Mousse though. I have another "Party in a Bag" going out tomorrow for a dear friend of mine who wants to help me, but is reasonably non committal as she is going through some life stuff. I want to make my $175 this week. I wanted to do $600 last week, even though that was ridiculous. I did $29. So. Yeah. Feeling like a failure. And no, I don't care what anyone tells me about blah blah this that you're doing everything right/enough/working hard, or even the opposite don't listen to "standard" marketers blah blah blah. This is failing. It is failing. I am not making any money and I do not know what to do about it. It is me. There is something about me that people do not like. Again, do not tell me I'm wrong. Because I'm party of an organization full of women who are able to make these simple goals. I realize they struggle too sometimes, but for the amount of effort I am putting in, there should be something. I've had one good month, no thanks to me. Thanks to my amazing older sister who did me a supreme solid. But not to me. I barely did anything. And I am breaking down. Shutting down. I can't do this like this anymore. I need a fucking break. I want to stick with it, but I don't know how much longer I can take the defeat. I put so much out there so often, and I get maybe one or two bites at most, but nothing substantial or sustainable. If I can't get parties, I can't get more parties or recruits. So... no income. What is the point? And again, I look at all these ladies around me, and I just don't get what is so wrong with me that I can't make it happen like they do. I must be the most unattractive person on the planet. Oh well.

And that's just Tupperware. doTERRA is different. I know exactly what I'm not doing right there. I don't talk about it enough. But... every time I do, I just feel like a sales person rather than someone who truly wants to help others be well. I just don't know how to put myself out there without coming off as a snake oil pitcher and actually get any customers or team members. Again. It's me. But here I know what it is, and I just have to keep working at it.

I didn't want to have to do unemployment this off season, but it's looking more and more like I will. My family has been incredibly gracious and given me some money upfront. This has been set aside. It is about half of what I need. And how much have I come up with on my own? About 10% of that. So yeah... 4 months- 5%. Fail. Fail fail fail.

We have one more month of WIC, and then... I don't know... Debt I didn't really want to incur, but otherwise I literally won't eat, or well.. I will eat very little. Which I may do anyway to not have to put so much on cards. But under no circumstances will I let Char feel it. She will get whatever she needs, obviously. I just wish I could offer her more than that.

When I related all of this to Ed earlier, he told me I was overreacting and to stop putting myself so far into the future. I guess he is right. But it's hard to see it that way. I'm a planner. I want to know what is happening a month from now. I want to be able to lay out my schedule 2-3 months in advance. That is a huge part of my problem right now. I don't even know what my work schedule for next week is, and it's Sunday. I know I work Tuesday, but I'm not sure when exactly. AND THIS IS KILLING ME. Both from a personal point of view and a business point of view. How can I fill my gaps if I don't know what they are? Though... right now... it doesn't feel like it would matter, because I don't have anyone to even ask to have a party. The upside to doTERRA is I can do a class whenever I feel like and don't have to rely on anyone else. I suppose I could do my own Tupperware party whenever, but it's not the same. There is no real incentive to do that as again, it would be the same people over and over, and that is not sustainable.

I took one of those stupid online tests today about privilege and it deemed me "very privileged". However there were no questions about welfare, or solo parenting, or being lower middle class, which in this country is a sort of pergatory. Make too much to qualify for aid but not enough to live sustainably. Or I guess I should say consistently. And I refuse to "use" or maybe "abuse" the system. We get what we need when we are eligible and that is all. If I could figure out how to get things going we wouldn't need it at all.

I knew that being an only parent would mean finding other sources of income, or ways to make my money stretch farther, I just did not expect it to be quite this hard. Please don't tell me to budget better. You should see the spread sheet I have. It's not a cash flow issue, it's an income issue. Yes those are two different things. With the job I currently have, there is no way to get a second "regular" job. I also don't want to spend anymore time away from my baby than I already do. That is why these opportunities were perfect. And they still are. I just need to find the kink in the hose and straighten it out to get the spicket flowing.

Sorry babe, but we're not best friends

My boyfriend is rad. But he's not my best friend. And he knows it, cause I've told him so. And he agrees with me.

I regularly see in social and standard media people referring to their partners as their best friends. On both sides. And this is great, for those people. I absolutely, sincerely, love love and people being in love, and if for some of those people that means they as a couple are best friends, I applaud them. But for me, I need an outside source, someone I can "dish" to.

Now, this doesn't mean that my beau and I don't communicate well. This is probably the most honest and open relationship I've had. We can talk about anything, but we don't. There are things I do not share with him because frankly he doesn't care. Nor should he. And I don't need all the intricate details of every interest he has ever had, thankyouverymuch. Yet, the conversations keep rolling. We are constantly learning new things about each other, and it is amazing. We are not afraid to tell each other the silliest things we can think of. We are also not afraid to be upset in front of or with each other. Sometimes we're a little too open. A regular question we both say out loud is "Why am I telling you this?" He's the only person I've ever met that talks more than me, so you can imagine how wordy we are together. But no matter how much we share, he is not my best friend.

My best friends are a couple of ladies and another dude. Why do I consider them best friends and not my boyfriend?? Because in moments of truth, their love is unconditional. Because we can say the hard thing without fear of rejection. Because loneliness isn't a consequence of a misunderstanding. Because sometimes I need to complain about my guy, and he is not the appropriate audience.

I can tell my wonderful, thoughtful, caring, infuriating, perplexing darling anything I choose. And sometimes I choose to spare him because those are the things that best friends are for.

Whirlwinds

The last few days have been difficult. I was in tech all week, which meant little time at home or with my baby. It definitely showed in both instances.

Sunday night, Char Star slept with me, cause I was tired and just wanted to cuddle. She doesn't not stay in one position though, so I am often woken up by little feet or hands jabbing at me. I am okay with this. But it did mean little good sleep.

Monday was a train wreck of a day, with one decent spot toward the end. Both Char and I were tired and cranky. We got into a screaming match at one point because she destroyed the downstairs and I really didn't have time to clean it up. But I did anyway, and instead of taking a short nap when she did, I had to spend all the time taking care of my business and the house. I also didn't get to clean my room at all, which had previous been a priority.

Monday night was my first doTERRA class. It was a moderate success. I had 3 people come, one of whom is on my team, the other two are new to EOs. I think it went very well, especially since we went over time discussing all the different oils and ways to use them. I will be setting up one on one consults with each of the ladies that came, and eventually holding a Medicine Cabinet Makeover with one of them. I will be incredibly happy to get two new enrollments.

After we got home, it took awhile to get Char to sleep and that just put me over the edge. Thankfully for me, but problematic for him, Ed had come over. He helped a bleary, teary, tired, frazzled mama get herself and her house back together. I felt bad that he walked into a terrible situation, but he took it in stride.

Yesterday I felt alot better. My day started well and ended wonderfully when I came home to a surprise. Very clean house!! Ed finished what we started the night before. I immediately texted him thank you. He said it seemed like I needed a break. Yeah, that's an understatement!!!! He even changed the sheets on my bed and folded some of Char's laundry. Geez, sometimes he just really blows me away. It's too bad he wasn't actually here for me to give him a huge hug.

Today begins anew. I'm rested. I have a plan. Hopefully I have time. I have a beautiful baby girl and a thoughtful caring beau. Time to go out and kick this world's ass!!

High Five!

What is this? I've made it five day? Yippee!! Isn't it if you do something for 7 days then it's a habit? Well, I guess I'm close to a new habit.

Nothing too exciting happened today. We worked. Most of the over stage/house hang is done. Our shiny new fixtures should arrive on Tuesday. We are getting Selecon PL 4s. 34 total- 2 skids and a palette. That's a lot of lighting!

With work starting and my parents being in town, its been a few days since I've seen my honey. I miss him!! I'm bad at missing people. I don't usually do it. I know in the past people in my life have been put off by my ambivalent attitude toward presence, but dammit, I miss him. It's a little weird actually. And on top of that, he's pretty much the same way. More than once we have had the conversation about missing each other so much that it is out of character, even when we're only apart for a day or two. Moreover, though we text during these days, we aren't in constant contact. We don't need to know what the other one is doing 24/7 and who with. I believe it's because generally the information is volunteered, sometimes to the point of inanity, which I don't think I could stand from any other person. Example:
11am "Good morning babe."
11:15 "Morning darling."

1:50pm "Just got out of the shower. Hanging in my room."
2pm "Just off lunch. Going back to work."

6pm "Going to hang with my bros. We're gonna play Call of Duty."
630pm "Fun! Just got home. Snacking with Char. Might watch some tv."

WE ARE LAME!!!!! AND IT IS FABULOUS!!!

We make up for it by having long, winding, expansive conversations when we are together, and embarking on adventures of all kinds. (Though we dispute what constitutes an adventure, with my level 1 being his level 0. I think we had to get up to my level 3 for him to consider it adventure-worthy. But I'm teaching him. Haha.)